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PERSONAL

Free To Wander

When I discovered the 4 THOUGHTS or FICTION writing prompt was LIBERTY, lots of different personal thoughts and ideas for fictional tales ran through my mind. But in the end I settled on delivering to you an account that is straight from my heart.

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I fell in love with a hummingbird. Not a real hummingbird, I mean a gorgeous man, full of charm and kindness, a man who held a fascination for me. I fell in love with this stunning hummingbird of a man. He came across me quite by chance and was instantly attracted by my allures. The heartbreak only came when I realized that my hummingbird was not content to nest with me forever. No, this spectacular hummingbird wanted to be free, he wanted to wander from flower to flower.

liberty

When I saw that we were asked to write on the subject of LIBERTY, I thought about my stunning hummingbird. He wanted to be at liberty to seize every pleasure life presented to him. He describes himself as a hedonist on his social media sites. When I asked what the hell that meant, he told me life is about pleasure. He does not see any reason to restrict pleasure, binding himself to rules that society has imposed. I listened to him and tried to understand. But it was one of the toughest situations I had ever been in. If anybody else had told me they were not willing to maintain exclusivity within our relationship, my response would have been “You can sling your hook, you prick!!” But for some reason it was different with my hummingbird. I believe the reason it was different, was that I truly loved him.

I had a decision to make. He had never lied to me, nor tried to deceive me. The very night we met he candidly told me he had been dating a woman casually for a few months, but she had lost interest and they were hardly speaking to each other. He also told me that two weeks earlier he had been to Italy with a travelling friend and had sex with her during their vacation. He openly told me that he was not looking for anything long-term and listed his reasons.

It was not his fault that I fell in love with him. He had made it clear from the very start he did not want to fall in love. He did not want to be tied to any person or any place. He loved travelling. He loved his hobbies. He loved his freedom. He wanted to be at liberty to come and go without any responsibility tying him down. I allowed myself to fall madly in love with a hummingbird who would break my heart.

To cut a long story short (and I think I will let you in on some of the long story in other posts), I had to choose whether I, somebody who is a loving, adoring, forgiving and profoundly loyal person, who strongly sways towards monogamy, could bear to be in a relationship with a polygamous hummingbird.

I made the choice to keep loving him and not to try to cage him in. I exulted in every visit from my hummingbird. Each time he saw me he was intoxicated, he would drink up sweet nectar and indulge himself leaving full satisfied. It was flattering and exciting to me. He was every shade of male…he could be Prince Charming, he could be my best friend, he could send me text messages stating he was working nearby and wanted to come over so he could lick my pussy. I was in love and all I saw was this incredible iridescent hummingbird who made my heart skip a beat. But when he was away from me, my mind tortured me with the thought of all the other flowers he may be visiting.

Hummingbird, Bird, Hibiscus, Nature

Sometimes I would ask him questions….HOW MANY OTHER WOMEN? ARE THEY PRETTIER THAN I AM? DO YOU GO OUT ON DATES IN PUBLIC WITH THEM? WHERE DID YOU MEET HER OR THEM? He would not answer my questions. That was probably wise. Not knowing was a great torment. I would sometimes cry because I could not rid my mind of the idea that he was visiting a flower sweeter and more beautiful than I. I blamed myself…seeing all sorts of faults that may explain why I was not deserving of his faithfulness.

I don’t want to be judgmental. My brain is wired towards monogamy. His life has been dominated by two ten-year relationships. He told me that in both cases, they clung on for too long, when they should have let go sooner. They ended up injuring each other and becoming bitter. He told me that he regretted ascribing to that level of commitment because it has tarnished his view of wanting another committed relationship. Now he leads a life of unshackled liberty…he wants to be free.

Most of the time we spent together, he was adoring and charming, a delight to spend time with, and always super-hungry to have sex with me. Every visit from my hummingbird is something I will treasure. He made every moment like a jewel that I would want to keep treasured in my mind for as long as I breathe. Although I was convinced that for him to seek to reserve the right of his liberty to polygamy, he could not love me, however he made me feel loved.

Hummingbird, Bird, Colorful, Ave, Flight

There was only one weekend when he hurt me. We went away for a romantic (steamy) weekend together. On Friday night, were to meet near the station. I was walking towards him and saw that he was on the phone talking to someone (I think Facetime). On seeing me he ended the call and gave a cute little wave to the person he had been talking to. Guys don’t give each other cute little waves. I just knew it was a woman he was involved with, another flower.

The following day, we were walking by the river and he lent over the wall to look at the view. I stood behind him and put my arms around him, holding him tightly and kissing the back of his shoulder. I heard his phone “ping”. He pulled his phone out and my eyes quickly noticed a photo of a blonde who had sent him a message with love hearts. I turned away, partly because I knew he would not want me to read her message and partly because of the sheer pain. However I did see part of her sentence…she was basically teasing that her towels were fluffier than mine.

It made sense. He loved my apartment. He loved my huge shower cubicle and the powerful shower head. He loved the enormous flat screen TV. But he cited an occasional criticism…I did not have any board games, my sofa was not the most comfortable, my towels always seemed a little stiff, they weren’t fluffy and snuggly. Whoever that blonde was…she knew that she had fluffier towels than me. I cried that weekend. He could not bear to see me crying. When I tried to explain, all I could muster was the admission that I loved him and that it hurt. He found that hard. He did not want me to be sad. He only wanted us to have lovely times together and a lot of pleasure, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me.

Baroque, Costume, Clothing, Dresses, Wig, Historically

You may have your opinion. But this story is about my excellent though enigmatic hummingbird and me, a splendid spectacular sweet flower who he found great delight in. I loved him. I chose to love him. If I had tried to encage him, and take his liberty, I suspect he would have resented me, I would have felt selfish. Instead, I chose to love him with every petal of my existence, to feed him, nourish him and add to his joys. I had to close my eyes to the fact that when we were not together, I had no idea if he was visiting other flowers.

I used my freedom of choice, my liberty to love wherever I feel inclined, to remain devoted to the hummingbird that stole my heart. My greatest act of love was in permitting him to stretch his wings and fly wherever the breeze would take him. For this reason, he and I are close friends to this very day. My magnificent hummingbird, the man who inspired “Simon”, in “FOUND” the sequel of our new romantic erotic novella.

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These were my thoughts on the theme LIBERTY, written to take part in the 4 THOUGHTS or FICTION writing prompt.

13 replies on “Free To Wander”

I knew someone, well more than knew, loved someone, who described himself as a hedonist. He did not seem to have any vices, but like your friend said, he loved pleasure and felt life was about the pursuit of pleasure. For him pleasure did not include alcohol or drugs or anything like that. I understood what he meant when I saw him overcome with joy one day when he found a mulberry tree with ripe fruit. He was picking the fruit and eating it, then pressing juicy mulberries against my lips. He was really about tasting all of life’s joys.

I think the situation you were in would have broken my heart.

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Yeah right…my lover was into nature walks and had hobbies and clubs…drinking and sniffing is not his idea of being a hedonist.

He always made sex an adventure in pleasure….he found parts of me I had no idea existed and it was awesome what he did to me.

Him want to have hook-ups with other women was hard to swallow. I just did not get it. But he is very attractive and women flirt with him. He just does not see any reason to say no when he can tell he could have fun/pleasure.

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What a wonderful post. You honesty really shone thru – and I could totally understand how you fell for this man and also why you were so hurt when you were away and he was texting someone else. I think it would have bee nice if phones were not allowed when out with a “flower” and that would apply no matter which flower.
I am glad you have remained friends and TY for joining in with 4Thouhgts – if you have time have a read of a couple of the other posts in the link up and I hope to see you again 😉
May x

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Thanks May. I looked at all the other posts that were already up when I added my link. I will check it out again to see who else has joined in.

The phone thing – it’s the only time it ever happened. Normally he was 100% in the moment with me. I don’t know what he was thinking that weekend. Maybe he had only just met her? Maybe he had a real soft spot for her. The weird thing is I felt very loved by him that weekend. When we had sex the first night in the hotel, he was just amazing and I began crying because I could not understand how he could be so wonderful. He was totally freaked out by me crying during sex (it had never happened before!)

The next day we went to look round a local gallery and then a museum, and I kept on catching him looking at me and smiling. He looked as if he was longing for me. He kept pulling me into little nooks so he could kiss me passionately. Then we went down by the river when he received the whatsapp message from the mystery blonde.

Shortly after we stopped for lunch and I asked him what was going on. He told me I should not ask questions I don’t really want to answer to. I had to fight back tears again. I told him I didn’t want to know her name, I just wanted him to confirm to me that there was another woman, or other women, and give me an idea of what went on when we were not together. He and I were spending 2 or 3 weekends together every month, so I was confused as to how he managed to fit much else in when he worked full-time. He never ever did tell me….and I had to let go of it.

But we have stayed great friends. Even when he moved away, we kept sending naughty texts and emails to each other and I got to spend a couple of weeks with him. He seemed like he really missed me and for the first time he told me that he loved me….which he had never said before. He is the most exciting lover I ever had from the point of view of him being gorgeous and totally understanding pleasure and passion….but for a monogamist to be in love with a polygamist is painful. I was not going to be able to change him, all I could do is love him.

Aaaah…I could write about him for ages….but I will save it for other posts.

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This is a beautiful post, and I can feel the love you have for your hummingbird, and have you not loved him as much as you do, the part about the towels wouldn’t have hurt so much. It’s not an easy path you have chosen to keep on loving him, but if it’s good for you, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else things of it. Thank you for sharing this 🙂
~ Marie

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❤ Thank you Marie ❤

He was totally in love with him. From the night we met, I was deeply attracted to him. Not only was he hot as hell, he was fascinating to talk to and he had me dazzled within an hour. He is the only man I have slept with on the night I met him. Physically and conversationally and sexually we were just perfect together.

After a passionate weekend together, we kept seeing each other for passionate weekends, mostly at each other's homes, sometimes romantic hotels. We had deep conversations from the start about life. We both shared our personal history and voiced our outlook and expectations. I wasn't asking him to marry me. I just said I found it made me sick to think of the man I loved being with other women. When I realized that we were perhaps at different stages in life and that meant one of us was going to have to compromise or dissolve our connection, I realized one of us would be unhappy. Choosing to be the one who bore the unhappiness was one way of showing him I loved him. I wanted him to be free and happy and to enjoy the pleasures of life as hungered for them. He knew how much he meant to me and he did try to make pur every moment together special. The blonde with the fluffy towels was his only slip-up.

I am with someone else now (Ben who is the best!) but the guy I mentioned (who inspired "Simon" in our novellas, is still one of my best friends. We talk regularly. It's a good thing that he and I are separated by a very large distance now. Ben knows that the passion I feel for "Simon" is profound. But I accepted long ago that my hummingbird "Simon" wants to be free. Ben and I have the same expectations and the same huge fondness and respect for each other.

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you write very well, jenna. you’re able to express what your mind and heart want to verbalize. i sense you’re a very passionate and loving person who just wants to be happy and enjoy life’s greatest joys…

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Thank you ❤

Writing is such a great way to figure out what has been going on in the maze-like mind and wormholes of the heart.

I will own up to being all of what you accused me of…passionate and loving – TICK…wanting to be happy and enjoy life's joys – TICK TICK.

Glad that my writing has captured some of what makes me tick 🙂

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