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PERSONAL

Self Control

On Monday, Ben was avidly watching the news about Novak Djokovic. You probably saw it, after losing a game, he frustratedly hit a tennis ball to the side of the court. I guess it is fair to say it was a lack of self-control. Although nobody would possibly suspect him of having any intention to cause harm, that tennis ball hit a line judge in the throat. Ouch!! Reporters read the statement from Novak Djokovic which sounded full of remorse and it truly sounded from his words as if he recognised he has things he needs to work on to be a better person.

I was very surprised when my beloved Ben turned around and asked me if he does that. Why would Ben think that he does things like that? My immediate response was to assure him that he never does anything like that. But Ben did not seem satisfied with my answer. I thought about it that day. Ben has been stressed on this assignment. Ben has been tired. Ben has been a little bit irritable. Not a lot, just a little. Normally Ben is very chilled, but I know that if Ben is working with someone causing him a lot of frustration it does provoke him.

How do I know this? From my own personal experience! I have already told you about how Ben reacted to my very poor behaviour in a professional environment. I know Ben can become provoked, frustrated, inwardly angry. In my eyes, his anger is usually justified. Ben is a passionate man (in many ways 😉 ) and he feels things deeply. Yet, when you spend time with him he seems remarkably chilled. I spend more time with him than anyone else and I enjoy that he has a lightness about his presence, a refreshing, easy going air. He likes to joke around. He is very affectionate.

When he is angry, he has a lot of self-control, until one day something or someone pushes him a bit too far. In my case, I called him an !@*& ing #%~@! under my breath. He heard me. That was the last straw for him. The self control that he had displayed up to that point was put on pause. What happened next was nothing like Novak Djokovic. Ben directed his words with precision. His reproof was so articulate, so pointed, so no-nonsense, so right to the heart of the matter, so brilliant, he did take my breath away, in a good way (not like that poor line judge).

That’s what Ben does. When he is angry, his general response is not to react quickly. Ben does have a lot of self-control. Do not think he is a pushover, his patience has limits. If something or someone pushes him, the reaction from Ben is controlled, he masterfully puts you in your place and you can’t answer him back. He’s like a ninja with his use of words. I get the picture from some of the guys that are working here that some of them are pissed off because Ben has pulled them up about some crappy things they have done. Ben expects high standards, and so if he sees someone being butt-idle, taking shortcuts, using shoddy materials, he will ask them to do the work again. I can tell Ben has been feeling frustrated.

The other day, he took out his frustration on a fence timber and in doing so he injured his hand. I loved being his naughty nurse and helping him bind his hand up. But what I could not do was dismiss his righteous anger about two of the guys here who seem to be screwing a lot of things up. There’s not a lot he can do while we are here other than speak to them directly. When we are back at base, he can report their behavior and attitude and someone else will haul their asses over hot coals. Ben is monitoring what I write and he doesn’t want me to say too much about what is happening with work, so I am sorry I am being a bit vague. The point is, Ben is working with a couple of buttheads and he feels frustrated. Ben has a lot of self-control, so when he has spoken to these guys, he does not lose control and become enraged. Ben is a true professional. He delivers eloquent perfectly aimed appeals to them to get their butts in gear.

I can testify to Ben’s self-control. Whenever I think of how he must have felt seeing the girl he had set his sights on going on vacation and hooking up with a random stranger (Simon), and having a lustful relationship with him for the next eighteen months, yet Ben showed a lot of self-control. I have mentioned it in other posts, but I think that the way Ben avoided saying or doing anything to intervene with my relationship with Simon, well, which indicated to me that Ben respects relationships – a lot. That told me that when he and I got together, it would be something serious, something permanent, something special.

Self-control is one of the many things I admire about Ben. I do admire him. He does not speak or act in a rush of emotion. He is balanced and sensible. He is very patient. At the time, I would have been mad at him if he had tried to diss Simon. He didn’t do that. He just showed a kind interest in me and told me that it was great to see me so happy. Only when he knew I was single did that surge of emotion come. I declaring his fondness for me, Ben’s words were typically articulate, pointed, no-nonsense, right to the heart the matter, so brilliant, and again he did take my breath away. Ben and I were friends, I had no idea he was containing strong feelings for me.

Me – no self-control!!! Nada! Not for pizza and cookies, not for stilettos and handbags, not for a gorgeous man telling me that he had wanted me for years. Nope….self-control was out the window!!! How I loved making love to Ben that first night we shared together. I love sharing a bed with him, sharing showers with him, sharing a bottle of wine with him, sharing my life with him, sharing my heart with him. I am glad Ben got the girl he wanted – glad for him, and especially glad for me. He is a great man. I am honoured.

I like writing these posts about how great Ben is. He is great and deserves an impressive write-up. The jerks who are winding Ben up don’t seem to respect that Ben is one of the best bosses they could ask for.

I always notice that in response to me bigging him up on this blog…this surge of passion rises within him…and it means amazing sex. When Ben puts his self-control on pause and….uh, gotta go! Ben wants me.

10 replies on “Self Control”

If *I* were in your shoes, I’d reassure Ben that just the fact he’s concerned that he might act or even come off that way upon occasion shows he’s a good person.

It’s the ones who think nothing of how they act that you have to watch out for. 🙂

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I think you are right. The weird thing is, I don’t think anyone would ever think of Ben as someone who does not have self-control – the opposite. Ben was just worried because inside he can feel anger, I think it is a righteous indignation more than anything, but he does control it. When he finally says something, it is always very well controlled and straightforward. He has a very logical brain.

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Jack was laughing about what you said about Ben. I think he has been on the receiving end of Ben’s ninja use of words. But then Jack is probably the type to wind Ben up with his chaotic approach to everything.

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