I am going to be honest straight from the start and admit that flogging is not something I have ever tried….unless we are talking about my teenage days, ticket touting around the university buildings to local students. I may have flogged tickets to see upcoming bands as well as knock-off copies of their demo tapes.

We have noticed other bloggers have mentioned flogging. I have always felt as if Ben and I had a great sex life, and I still do, but we sometimes feel boring compared to some of the other bloggers out there. Ben has a thing for a pert behind. He enjoys draping me over his lap and spanking me. It’s not a form of discipline and he never hurts me, however it is erotic. It is often part of a roleplay scene we are playing out in foreplay. Ben likes a bit of roleplay.

But flogging? I have seen those floggers with the leather tassels and they look kinda fearsome to me, although in the picture above, I was more disturbed by the anaglypta wallpaper. It struck me though that most of the flogging scenarios I have read about are females flogging males. I am sure there are exceptions. That’s where I am lacking in interest.

I do not like the idea of trying to make Ben submit to me, standing over him with a flogger. It just would not work. Ben is so perfect. I can’t bear the thought of making any marks on his idyllic body, especially not his his cute tushy. There is equality in our relationship, but if either of us were to submit it would be me. I am the naughty sex kitten, the partner who likes to tease and play, and be affectionate. I like to devote attention to him and find ways to please him and win his approval. I like to be irresistible to him.

It is interesting to read the accounts of other bloggers. We glean lots of inspiration for writing more fantasy fiction and we have tried out some things we read about in the bedroom. It is fun. But I guess the dynamics of a relationship between any two people are always going to be different. Although it is interesting to read what others have written about flogging, I don’t see myself handling a flogger or giving Ben a good flogging. I have worn fishnet tights on occasion. Never would I dream of having anaglypta wallpaper. OK, let’s say this, if I were to come home one day and Ben had decided to put anaglypta on our walls, then perhaps I would order a flogger and make it clear to Ben that I was not pleased.

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23 replies on “Flogging”

I’m with you on this flogging fetish…
I don’t care 🤷‍♀️ for it…

And you are so right.. it would be so sad to put marks on that cute tush that is meant for kisses and gentle bites…

We all have our thing

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You are right, we all have our thing. I sometimes read BDSM posts and end up scratching me head because I am not sure what to make of it. But if two people love each other then I guess they work out their intimate relationship and find ways to give to each other and fulfill each other’s needs.

As I mentioned above, I think the dynamics in a relationship will sometimes decide what will work and won’t work. I do see why the dominant/submissive rapport is fundamental to some people. I know Ben and I are more equal-minded. But I think I respect Ben for being naturally more wise and experienced, more organised and responsible than I am. So I willingly submit to him in many mundane areas. In the bedroom, me playing submissive is more of a game.

Although erotic spanking is something we like, (I genuinely enjoy it), corporal punishment or discipline is something different I realize….not just the physical act but often the mindframe or emotions in the partners involved.

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Totally in agreement on all levels…corporal punishment is definitely not part of my excitement…

Spanking ass you put it is definitely fun for me too . I also find stimulating..

But like you that’s as far as I will go

We each have to choose what we like or don’t…

I can never understand how some find these extreme BDSM to be so exciting


For a lot of people it’s less about the pain and more about stimulation of the mind. Being taken to a different space in your head that is free of thoughts, anger, hurt, pain, clutter, worry to just nothing but the moment you are in. I understand that for the most part people are happy to sit on the fringes of BDSM or erotica and dip their toes in when they feel the need to spice up their sex lives a little. For others it is completely mind bending to imagine someone wanting pain, and then others who could not live a vanilla life style if their lives depended on it. These are their informed choices of sexual practice.
Dependent on how the pain is delivered, and as long as it is consensual and safely practised, a lot of pleasure can be derived from the side sensations the pain brings. An easy example and because you both mention it, is spanking. Spanking hurts, a lot, but, the after effects of a spanking take your head into a different mind space. Your whole body feels the effects, and for a lot of people it’s cleansing. It feels like a weight has been shifted that has been lodged in your mind. For quite a lot people spanking is sexual. The heat from a spanking, the contact from a spanking, the positioning for a spanking, the exposure for a spanking all lend themselves to making the person being spanked turned on. There aren’t really any tried and true explanations for why people need pain to create pleasure for themselves but those who do would not want it any other way. One man’s pleasure is another man’s pain. 😀 xx

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I think that is what I have found interesting from reading the posts of other bloggers Gem. It’s not just the actions, there is a whole psychology behind BDSM.

I think the dynamics within every relationship is different, and I don’t think just because one couple enjoy an act, the couple next door will. So much depends on who we are, what makes us US, and the level of trust within the relationship.

I will give you an example off the top of my head…sorry if this is a bit random and in some ways it is a bit of an odd one….years ago I watched the film “The English Patient” and then I wanted to read the book. Well…the book did a grand job of portraying a lustful passionate love, but there was a scene that I found a bit much for me. The female lead is on her period, the guy who is madly in love with her tastes her menstruation. The writer was trying to convey the intense passion between them. But for me it was OTT. Like seriously, during my period, I just want to put on some PJs and curl up in a ball and die. Well…that’s just the first night, but after that for a couple of nights I just want to have a shower and go to bed and rest. I love Ben to bits….but I don’t wanna get frisky when I am feeling yucky.

In fact when it comes to my period, I have always just wanted a degree of privacy. I moved in with Ben a couple of years ago and it’s the first time I have lived with a guy (as in lived with him – I had male flatmates in the past). Ben just accepts that when I am on my period, I want to switch off to sex. The thought of him wanting to taste my menstruation is like “Nooooooooooooooo!” I would freak out.

However….I remember once Simon shocked me. I had been on my period three full days already. Day four, I was going out for the day with him. But first he wanted to take me back to his place. I told him I was on my period (which is why we had decided to go out). Well…he lifted up my skirt, removed my tampon and…. I was kinda in shock. It was erotic, and I was overawed at him. But in all honesty I never want a repeat of that.

Everyone is different I guess.


….and yet for some it is a fetish apparently. I think that nails it for me that not every fetish is going to work for every couple.

Ben likes to make a little fuss of me when I am on my period. He will usually buy me some new Lindt chocolate he doesn’t think I have had before. He likes home cooking, he is a bit of a food snob. But when I am on my period, he is happy for me to be lazy and we will have pizza.

I am truly grateful for that. I will always make it up to him later. Letting me rest up and be lazy and keep my dignity during my period works better.


I had a hysterectomy at 32 so I haven’t had a period in a good few years now! Sweet relief! But, when I did, no one wanted to be anywhere near me, I was so bad tempered. But then, I wasn’t living with a sweetheart like your Ben. I was married to an idiot who expected … well you read the post, ’nuff said’.
Tom came into my life way after so the issue never came up.
I guess people just like what they like, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks in the end. We’re all just trying to find our best happy! 😀 xx

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I totally agree with you that we are all different and all enjoy different things. I think that flogging is often popular because it is one of the lighter forms of impact and although it looks dramatic, it doesn’t tend to leave marks apart from pinkish ones which fade fast. I can’t say that it is my favourite thing although we do have a small pussy flogger that I enjoy being used there and on my nipples. It sounds like you have a dynamic which works for you and if the exchange of power is interchangeable and feels more equally shared depending on the task at hand, then that sounds like a good thing for both of you. Whatever works 😊

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I have read so many different posts from other erotic bloggers these past few months and it fascinates to read about the psychology behind some of the different kinks/fetishes etc. When some bloggers talk about the motivation/emotions they often relate their personal backstory which often seems to feature abuse.

I have not had to deal with any crap like that. I dated my first boyfriend for ten years and although it ended, I feel as if he looked after me pretty well. He left me in a good place. He also set a high standard for the kind of man I wanted to be with. I dated a lot of men and because I tended to compare them with my ex, I often had no desire to let anything physical happen. I learnt that I can’t just go through the motions when it comes to intimacy.

But then I had a special relationship with “Greg”, who was mainly interested in my breasts, which was just what I needed for that time. Then I met the incredible Simon who had an enormous appetite for sex and introduced me to things I had never heard of before (but wanted to be a free spirit and shag any woman he wanted). I am thrilled to be with Ben. I know he is a diamond and I am not going to let go of this one!

Ben and I love sex, he loves roleplay and it has been fun playing with him. I love erotica. I do not like pain. My nipples are super sensitive and I can’t take anything too rough. But we are not going to try every kink/fetish we hear of because some of them have no appeal. We also both like the romantic dreamy side to being in love and that is all part of our sex life.

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I might be able to shed a little light on the motivation stemming from some kind of earlier abuse. For me personally, I need to feel pain. I can connect to that, I trust it, I know roughly how long it will last and I know I will reap the mental benefits as well as the physical benefits from it. I am in control of it. My post about gas lighters and domestic abuse gave you a small window into what my life was like prior to my divorce and hard earned freedom. The difference from then to who I am now is simple. It’s all on my terms. I decide, I give permission and I can take it away. It’s a gift I bestow on my lover and best friend. I trust him. Trust is far more important to me than love. In any story of abuse, love is the common denominator. That very powerful emotion is twisted and used against the person to abuse them. A small child being abused by a parent who should love them. It will twist the child’s concept of what love means. A young married woman who has been adored during the courtship finds herself in an emotional, mental and physically abusive relationship with a man she adores. She has no idea how to get back the love he has stripped out of her life.
The relationship between myself and Tom is based on trust. He follows my lead, he always accepts my hard limits and he understands the word No. In his world, it means just that. No. denied and accepted as out of bounds. Pain he inflicts through a spanking will release stress, pent up emotions and helps me shift myself out of trauma mode. Pain is cleansing. xx


Thanks Gem, it’s really special you share so much and I respect and admire you for that. It’s clear that your relationship with Tom is woven with threads of intimate knowledge of your past and trust.

I was concerned when I read some posts a while back about spanking. Several female bloggers said the same thing. They think back fondly to spankings they received as a child and the thrill and excitement they caused.

I must admit I found that odd. When I was little, I remember on a small number of occasions I did something naughty enough for me to be smacked on my behind. It was not painful, but it did cause shame. Funny enough I don’t remember what I did. I do remember the lectures, well no, lectures is not the right word…my parents many times tried to reason with me and make sure I understood why what I had done was wrong. But I found it odd that a childhood spanking could be linked to an erotic scenario of being spanked by a lover. Maybe it is just me but I have such an intense hatred for child abuse. I really have strong feelings against children or teenage girls being sexualised. It’s a very deep loathing for me. I have several friends who were abused as children, not by their parents, but by friends of the family. My best friend and her siblings were involved in a court case and the two people who committed countless crimes against them were imprisoned for a very long time. I just feel on edge talking about it.

Abuse is always always horrible. I especially get upset about the thought of children being abused.


Spanking a child is abuse plain and simple. Spanking should always be viewed as for adults only and should always follow a safe, sane and consensual discussion. Boundaries should be set and adhered to between consenting adults.
People who commit any kind of Child abuse are the scourge of the earth.
The spanking blogs you read that talk about their fascination for spanking stemming from childhood spankings, those strong feelings of shame and humiliation leading to a contrite emotion is an exceptionally strong set of emotions all tied up with pain. I’m not sure as a child they sexualised the spanking, that will have come later in life when they understood what those sensations were they were feeling and how they came by them. It’s addictive if you can stand the pain. I think that is why you struggle with the concept, you are clearly adverse to any form of pain and can not see it as pleasurable. That isn’t a bad thing. We are all different and have different needs. I’m very glad you have never personally experienced the horrors that life can throw at us. It means you are one of the fortunate ones and you know it, and appreciate the life you have.


I think I have been fortunate. I am safety conscious. The pain things is just that I am very -whats the word? I feel other people’s pain. If I am watching a movie and someone is getting punched, I feel every blow. I cannot stand the sight of blood or gore. I am sensitive to pain definitely. But because I am super sensitive in my intimate parts they enjoy even the gentlest touches and are very easily aroused. Ben only has to blow air across my breast for me to start tingling.

Child abuse particularly disturbs me because I have seen the damage it has done to so many people.

One of my close friends was raaped and then battered and left for dead in a London park. It was one of the most devastating things I personally know of. She is a beautiful woman in every way.

I am glad I have avoided any trauma. The only times I have been uncomfortable were with creepy guys hitting on me when I was out dancing. But I never had any real trouble. Which in this world seems to be increasingly rare.

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The phrase you’re looking for there is genuinely empathic, as opposed to the way it’s always misused now when people mean empathetic or sympathetic. True empathy means you literally feel what others are feeling. It’s telepathy for emotions. 🙂

Let’s just say, been there, done that myself. 😉


I’m of the same mindset as you, Jenna. Hard BDSM makes little sense to me. Sensual domination like in my “Learning the Ropes” story can be fun, but this whole causing pain and leaving marks…

I’ve heard the rationale from submissives (of both sexes); “it’s so amazing to know I can allow myself to be that vulnerable, and that they won’t TRULY hurt me”, etc… At best, it seems like a substitute for emotional vulnerability and intimacy. Things like wrapping boobs with ropes till they turn purple so they’re more sensitive also… That DOES cause damage over the long term.

I got to be fairly unpopular on a few sites like Craigslist for a while because I was dispelling the idea put out there by abusers that if a woman truly wanted to be submissive, she had to jump head first into an encounter with no questions asked. Dangerous and NOT what even hardcore BDSM is about.

I could go on a LONG time here. I’d doubtless just alienate your readers who are into more hardcore BDSM though. Suffice it to say, “To each their own”, so long as it’s genuinely consensual.

My own personal OPINION though; real domination is being able to drive them so crazy with desire that they eagerly submit without pain.

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