Pink Paranoia

Ben is going away very early tomorrow with some of his team. He will be back before the weekend. This is normal for us. He has to work away for short stints on a regular basis. We have spent two weeks self-isolating in our house, not seeing anyone else (accept on Zoom) so it should be fine to spend a few days apart.

Except that I am sensing that my mood is descending. It’s the dark. I’m sure it’s mainly the dark. This year I guess it is also the lack of socialising. We did see some good friends on Sunday on our ramble. That was good for my spirits.

There is one emotion I struggle with more than any other. Guilt. It’s hard to explain how much more damage it does to me than any other emotion. I was talking about it with my friend on Sunday. She knows a lot about me and why guilt plagues me at times.

Woman in White Tube Dress Holding Wine Glass

One thing she tries to help me with is with regards to the things I feel guilty about, they were mistakes I made without being aware of what I was doing. I said things without knowing I was putting my foot in it. I passed on gossip without having any idea how untrue and hurtful it was. I gave my nickel’s worth of advice without understanding a person’s situation fully. I know she is right, I had no intention of injuring anyone. Despite not having any evil motive, later I found out that I had deeply upset someone I cared for.

My friend reminded me that sometimes guilt can be good. It can hold us back from repeating the same mistakes. Some people do bad things and don’t feel guilt because they don’t care. So often guilt is a sign that we do care. I know I do care.

I care about people. I am aware of what depression, loneliness, stress, anxiety and especially guilt can do. Sometimes I make the same mistakes I have made in the past. I put my foot in it or I dish out advice without understanding a person’s situation. I have learnt my lesson when it comes to gossip though. Gossip can destroy lives. It is one of the cruelest weapons I know of. My friend who now helps me cope with guilt was massively injured by gossip, and she knows that I passed on untrue information about her. Yet she is the one helping me to cope with guilt.

I even care about strangers, bloggers who I don’t really know. I want to be friendly, but sometimes I am fearful of saying the wrong thing. I am fearful because of guilt. It eats me up. Ben is great at reasoning with me when I punish myself too much. He is good at seeing things in a balanced way. He told me I am exaggerating the situation in my mind. He is away for three days and he has told me he doesn’t want me to worry and wallow in guilt about things beyond my control.

Man in Black Crew Neck T-shirt Lying on Bed

I know he is right. He is right. But as anyone else who sometimes struggles with keeping negative emotions in their place will understand, it is hard to stop worrying. When I don’t hear from someone I care about, I imagine all sorts of awful things. That’s partly why I needed to keep in touch with Greg and also Simon when our relationship ended.

I am new to blogging. Is it normal to worry about other bloggers? My insides are gnawing with worry and guilt. Ben thinks I am being silly. My friend tells me to keep blogging in it’s place, that bloggers sometimes take a break and go quiet for days, weeks or months. She said that is normal. I suppose I ought to try to stop worrying, stop punishing myself with guilt. But I do care, I care a lot. I don’t want to stop caring.

Guilt and paranoia a la pink! Ben wants us to have an early night before his early rise tomorrow and he is promising to help me take my mind off “things”. Sex therapy for when I can’t get control of my own emotions. I like his style.

5 replies on “Pink Paranoia”

Now then Jenna, It’s one thing to worry about those people around you who you know and love and see on a (semi-currently due to restrictions) regular basis, but it is quite another to worry about bloggers, regardless of how much of an online friendship you have built up with them. Bloggers hit dry patches, writer’s block, life getting in the way of writing, not having a subject to write about, any amount of things can get in the way of someone blogging on a regular basis. You cannot sit there worrying yourself silly over someone who has just taken some time to step away from the PC and is living their own life right now, completely unaware that you are worrying!
Your friend is right, keep blogging and online networking in its place. It is not your responsibility honey.
It’s not about stopping caring, it’s about caring enough about yourself to not torture yourself with stuff you have zero control or influence over. Be kind to yourself Miss Pink.
Gem xx

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❤ ❤ ❤
Thanks Gem…xx
I have had a few shocks in my life when people I cared about were going through a harder time than I realized. Some are no longer with us, and it frightens me. My worries spiral out of control until I know someone is ok. Well as ok as can be in a world that sometimes sucks.
I find myself feeling pain others may or may not be going through. In real life, it's easy to pick up the phone and check on someone, but with blogging, I am totally in the dark and can only hope that things are ok.
Ben has said that this blogging business is supposed to be fun and a way to use my creative energy, he does not want it to become something that robs me of joy.
He wants me to log out now, but I am grateful to you for your comments.
I do appreciate it a lot ❤

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Your friend is ok. I sent you an email a few hours ago. If it’s too late now read it tomorrow, but do not worry. I am spending tomorrow helping the landlords so I will be finishing early. If you want to drive down we could go for a walk and have a drink outside at the OT.

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