Sometimes I see a blogger hosting a prompt theme that I have never thought about before. When I saw Missy’s invitation to TELL ME ABOUT….AFTERCARE, I started thinking over my relationship with Ben.
If you know anything about us, you will know that we are not in a BDSM relationship and I can imagine that physical and emotional AFTERCARE is surely vital in a relationship in which a partner inflicts pain or humiliation on the other. But still, I wondered if the principle of AFTERCARE is something that Ben and I apply.
We enjoy foreplay, which sometimes involves roleplay games, and a lot of fondling, caressing, teasing, tickling, kissing, licking, sucking and more before we ever get to the unbridled lusty sex that I am fortunate enough to share with Ben. But what about after the hot sex? What do we do? I have been thinking about this over the past few days.
Often we are in bed, and we start to settle down to sleep together. Sometimes after sex, we will be laid out on our bed and Ben will have his arm around me, stroking me gently, and we will talk. Our conversation tends to be mundane because we live together and there are always things to discuss – family, friends, money, work, household stuff and plans. But is that aftercare? Not really. It is just part of our life. In some ways straight after hot sex is not the time to talk about the washing machine making a strange grinding noise everytime it spins, or reminding your partner that we need to put the green waste wheelie bin out for collection this week. I think we need to be careful not to bring too much mundane household trivia to the bedroom.
But what about over the past two years? Have we paid attention to aftercare? I would say yes, on the whole. Ben does so in a physical way. After hot sex, there is always a calm, a peace, an elation, and he will embrace me or stroke me until we eventually fall asleep. That is part of aftercare. I love being fondled and caressed.
I think I have administered a kind of aftercare to Ben more in an emotional or psychological avenue. Ben is a really good man. He had a wild spell in his twenties, which is not unusual for a great-looking guy. By the time he set his eyes on me, he had become a caring, sensitive, kind, respectful, loving man, with a love of humour and laughter. Our intimate relationship developed a bizarre curve at first. Ben was ecstatic he finally had his girl and that toppled over into him playing the comedian. I love his sense of humour, but there came a stage when the comedy act and commentary during sex was becoming a little irritating, only because it was dominating the mood between us. Yes I like that we can have a laugh and tease and he was making me laugh while we were having sex, but I did not want that all the time.
The more I got to know Ben and understood his emotional makeup, I saw that he was steering us towards a relationship in which we were two best friends who also slept and lived together. Although that was not a bad thing, I think I realized I did not just want to be sleeping and living with my best friend. I needed passion. I needed lust. I needed erotica. Over time, our relationship developed to include more of that.
Yet I believe it was challenging for Ben at first. He respected me. He adored me. Now I was asking him to put that aside and use me to satisfy his lust. I could tell he did not want to harm me, neither did he want me to feel I was being taken advantage of or used for physical satisfaction only. There was never any thought in my mind that Ben did not appreciate me. As I encouraged him to abandon restraint in our sexlife, I was sensitive to Ben’s emotional state after wilder sex. The AFTERCARE I needed to offer to Ben was my reassurance that I loved this more greedy, uninhibited sex. Just like I did not want a comedy show everytime we made love, neither would I want him to be too rough with me every time we had sex. But finding a balance, enjoying variety in our sex life, exploring new ways to please each other, allowing sex to be an adventure, were all very important and enjoyable.
I saw that Ben had a conscience that needed AFTERCARE. I had to let Ben know that it was alright, it was alright with me. He could push me in ways he may not have been inclined to because of his caring nature. The truth is – the way Ben treats me will affect his conscience and his self esteem. I have had to indicate to him that I am not a china doll. I won’t break apart in his hands if he is too rough.
For Ben – he administers AFTERCARE to me in a physical way, stroking, holding, embracing me. I administer AFTERCARE by assuring him that I love what he does to me. I reassure him I am sublimely happy and secure in our relationship (we have little challenges every now and then which we need to work out). That AFTERCARE spreads into all aspects of our life. In many ways on a daily basis, I find ways to show Ben I am very pleased about what we have, what we share, and I do enjoy it when he approaches our sexlife with abandonment and debauches me. I trust Ben implicitly. I don’t want him to seek to satisfy his sexual desires with anyone else. I am happy to be whatever he wants me to be.
I guess the most important thing I have learnt is that AFTERCARE, regardless of the dynamics of a relationship, can include physical acts of care, tender, gentle, affectionate gestures. It can also involved emotional assurances, communicating openly, expressing gratitude verbally and in other ways, thinking about their emotional needs and conscience. But the key is CARING. When two people are aware of each other’s needs and emotional make-up, they will find ways to care for such before, during, and AFTER sex.