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PERSONAL

Maintenance?

Lilith Avir has done it again! She has picked a quote that has left me scratching my head in puzzlement and feeling I want to consider this short quote, acknowledging I do not know the context, and trying my best not to be pedantic about my own opinion.

This is the quote Lilith found somewhere out there on the world wide web:

“…maintenance spankings are necessary…”

I feel a little shy about tackling this question. When I started this blog and began reading other blogger’s work, I noticed very quickly that spanking is way more popular than I ever imagined it to be. I have heard some bloggers refer to “maintenance spanking”. I have to admit, I was a little puzzled by the term.

All my (adult) life, I have thought of spanking as a feature of the likes of “Carry On…” movies, iconic “slap & tickle”, slightly comical and kind of naughty, raucous raunchy joking around. Simon used to administer erotic slaps to my pussy and derriere randomly, to get a reaction. It seemed playful and erotic when he did so. Ben likes behinds. So in our roleplay sessions, many a time I have played the naughty secretary or a similar role and stretched out for Ben to playfully slap my bottom. But it is erotic fun and games to us…part of our arousing each other.

What I have realized is that the way other couples use spanking is sometimes very different from the way we use it. I have picked up on two other mentalities towards spanking and I think there may be some overlapping in some cases – every couple is different after all. There are some who seem to use spanking as an erotic feature in sexual activity, but it is more than playful, it seems as if pain is a part of the process, red marks, welts, stinging injuries may be administered (and I acknowledge that spankees say that this is totally consensual).

There seems to be varying degrees of this more pain inflicting spanking. For some it seems like a reward, they seem to relish in either administering or receiving the spanks. I am not sure if it’s the pain that they enjoy or the submission aspect of their relationship, or both. In other cases spanking seems to be an act of “discipline”, as if one partner needs to remind the other who is in charge, or to correct some rebellious attitude or bad habit the other partner has. I think this is where I struggle with the psychology. If I need to learn a lesson, no physical punishment is going to help me.

Some refer to a wide variety of spanking instruments or implements and the kind of wounds each one will leave. But in numerous cases, those who describe their spanking sessions refer to themselves being aroused or to post-spanking sex, which makes me think as an outsider that overall, they view spanking as part of their erotic relationship.

So, these past four months I have come across all these different outlooks on spanking and although I am interested in the psychology behind them, it makes me even more certain that spanking will only every be a fun playful erotic playtime activity in our life.

So for us, “maintenance spankings” do not really apply within our spontaneous, affectionate, erotic foreplay sessions. But Ben and I are not in a submissive/dominant relationship. We are just in love and we just love sex and foreplay, including roleplay. In the context of our relationship, I respect him as being wiser and more experienced than me and having a purpose, which I love working towards and am committed to.

If Ben feels concerned about the way I think or speak or act, he will talk to me about it – we have a discussion. He does that because he cares about me, not because he is trying to maintain his authority. Ben would never use pain or humiliation to persuade me or “discipline” me. If he did – he would have to be prepared to never see me again, except in court.

I am not saying this to be controversial, but I will confess, I do honestly find it hard to equate the inflicting of pain or humiliation as a healthy aspect of a relationship. Whereas I do equate open communication, listening, yielding, forgiving, caring as healthy and positive. The only thing we maintain is communication, (and love, trust and respect).

But I respect that every couple is different. People think and feel in different ways. So for them spanking as an act of discipline may be a feature of their relationship. “Maintenance spanking”, which I presume means the dynamics of the relationship are being reinforced, not that the spankee has not done anything wrong, might make sense to some couples. When you see or hear or read a spankee saying “this is my choice, it is fully consensual, I want this lifestyle”, I guess an outsider accepts/respects it.

No True Way

15 replies on “Maintenance?”

Hello gorgeous girl, in my case, maintenance spankings were there because I personally needed the pain and the mental and emotional relief I got from them. Sometimes it becomes impossible for me to open up verbally and I will get locked inside my head more and more as stress builds. (Not so much these days, but very much so in the past). We handled my needs with maintenance spanking, he wasn’t reinforcing his dominance or his rules, he was helping me deal with emotional shutdowns the only way I knew how. It’s my form of therapy. So I guess maintenance spankings are necessary just because they are what the spankee needs at that time. It is about the pain. It’s cleansing, it’s all you can feel or focus on for a brief period and it dislodges the negative energy inside you and allows you to let it go. There is no room to feel anything other than what you are feeling in that moment. Liberating and freeing.
Great post Miss Pink πŸ’–πŸ’–

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Hey Gemma,
I think you know and understand yourself very well, and you seem to know how your emotional make-up works.
I guess for me, it there my be a personal aspect that makes it harder for me to understand. In the past I pushed my body to the limit and ended up in hospital on two occasions. At the time, there may have been a mental/emotional impulse – partly about control, partly about shutting down my emotions, partly about thinking I was mentally strong and could accomplish any goal, partly desperate pain. For me it was made clear that this was not the way to deal with my intense emotions. So I learnt other ways to deal with them.
To be honest, when I saw Lilith’s quote I wrote a post that was slightly different. I had read a post from a guy who said that to be a real Christian a man should be spanking his wife to discipline her. In the end I chose to delete the paragraphs I had written in response to his views. I don’t want to dive into controversy or upsetting other people.
But I do think that for anyone who is a involved in receiving or inflicting pain – there is a psychology in them that might make sense and work for them, but others may find hard to grasp.
Ben worries that reading about people being injured (and I have read some bloggers describe alarming injuries after a consensual spanking session) is not good for me because he knows where I have been and how far I have come. But in all honesty, and I mean this with full respect, I have zero desire to experience pain.
I try to respond to the statements Lilith finds with as much diplomacy as I can because I do realize we are all different.
Hope you’re “ok” – that’s such a rubbish word, but sometimes and especially during 2020, that is as good as it gets!
❀

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ahhh everything you just said makes perfect sense to me. The simple fact is, we are all wired differently hence the word kink. Spanking is as much a kink as it is about pain or discipline, there is a whole range of emotions that go along with it that could take years to explain to anyone who has no interest in it for themselves.
None of it matters in the long run, you are extremely adept at saying each to their own which is why we all love you. You don’t judge, you don’t preach, you just quietly say, it’s not for me thanks and walk away. I admire that quality in you. You are as honest as you can be about every subject you write about. That’s hard to do for a lot of people.
We would be a boring lot if we all thought the same way and wanted the same things. It’s what makes life and people interesting!
I’m absolutely fine honey, got a new outlook on life and feel happier and more settled than I have in years. 2020 has been the year for dangerous times and even stranger events.
πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–

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I am all in when it comes to erotic fun and games and playfully arousing each other, but I could never use pain to dominate my lover. From a male point of view, I see it as abuse, plain and simple. For me, respect is the name of the game for both sides. On the other hand, I won’t judge what others do, though, if it is consensual. What lovers decide as sensual and intimate for them may not be the same as what others choose, so there is no room for judging if it draws them both into deeper intimacy and pleasure. More power to them.

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I think I am definitely more about fun, play, arousing each other than anything.
I try not to judge. I do try to understand. But honestly, sometimes I find it hard to understand even when I want to.
I just can’t bear the thought of anyone being harmed – emotionally or physically – so the whole idea of a kind of harm being a kind of healing is hard for me to understand. But I don’t say that to be judgemental.

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Well…… 😏 you know, there’s one way to find out… see if we can both understand it a little better? I’ve got a paddle the size of a boat oar over here. What say we spank it on, baby? 😎….. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ kidding, kidding… 😘 you knew that..

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Jenna Darling,
I don’t know about other people, but I do know about you. You have been very courageous in battling powerful emotions and taming them. Some people never really confront or conquer harmful emotional habits. But you have done.
Harming your own body is not a healthy habit. It shows a worrying lack of appreciation for how wonderfully we are made. The cost of life and good health is enormous. the healing capacity of the body is miraculous. To harm our bodies is like taking a beautiful gift and throwing on the ground and stamping all over it. Yet for some reason some people really struggle to overcome the urge to do exactly that. You are a conqueror.
To allow somebody else to harm our body is even more worrying. It shows that not only is the person allowing their body to be injured showing a lack of respect for life and health, but the person inflicting the injuries as well as showing this complete lack of appreciation is also not willing to address the emotional illness that their partner has (if they want to be harmed).

What I am trying to stay dear is that somebody who inflicts injuries on their own body or allows someone else to is not well. They may not realize it, but they are very ill if they find these habits enjoyable or acceptable.

As you know, Marcy has treated many patients who have harmed their bodies. I wonder what she would think of this.

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Marcy is amazing. I owe her so much Aunt Noo.

I think this is what Ben keeps worrying about. He does not want anything to undo all the progress I made. So, yes, it is difficult for me sometimes. Some people sound like they are having fun. Others don’t make it sound like fun at all. It’s something else. And it does touch a raw nerve with me, yes. But that’s when I have to stop reading and move on to another post.
Ben thinks some posts could be a trigger. But so far it is more reinforcing my determination not to ever give in.

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For me spanking is a way to induce an endorphin rush. I literally attain a chemical high from a spanking properly administered and the good thing about that is the chemicals are legal, produced by my own body and are actually good for you. But this only occurs for a genuine, natural spankee. I have been fantasising about being spanked from my earliest memories and it very much pre-dates my interest in sex. For real spankees this almost always seems to be the case. Spankees or submissives are born not created. It is not a choice that you make, it is just the way that you are or in your case are not. But saying that it is nice to hear that you enjoy your role play love pats and I hope that you keep on enjoying them πŸ™‚

Prefectdt

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It’s interesting you mention endorphin rush and chemical high. The first time we went skiing, Ben thought I was nuts. For me flying along across the snow is a high. But he (and Ben is a great skier) saw what I was doing as dangerous. He gave me quite a talking to about it actually and I have toned down a lot so that he can enjoy our vacas without being anxious about me.

But I guess that is part of it. When we get a buzz out of something but someone else sees what we are doing and is concerned – it is not easy for them to stop worrying.

I thought you were more into the playful comedy side of spanking – your pictures all look like fun, like they are from Carry On movies rather than the punitive side of spanking ❀

Aunt Noo has been a great support to me through a time when I was mistreating my body, so she is looking out for me. I am sure she speaking out of concern.

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