There is one more bad habit I want to mention, a habit which has nothing to do with excesses with food or liquor or extremes in exercise or denial. Erotic writing! I actually think the blog has turned into a healthy way for me to exercise my enjoyment of erotic writing. But it can become a bad habit for me, and I will explain a little why I mean that.
It was Greg who introduced erotic writing to me. Before we started having sex (not a lot of sex, but a lot of breast play and erotic suckling) he began to drop erotic expressions into his emails to me. This developed into him describing in explicit detail his fantasies that he wished to share with me. They weren’t just dirty messages. He would paint a sensuous scene and weave romance and seduction, tenderness and depravity, all into the same imaginary liaison.
My reaction to his messages? – I was deeply aroused. I began to return Greg’s emails trying to imitate his style and then developing my own. He was enamoured by my writing. Of course, you already know that eventually Greg and I began our salacious affair. I have my regrets about Greg, I have written about them before, but at the time I remember feeling in love. I also remember everything seemed erotic and magical, until I realized what was going on.
I was the dirty little secret he wanted none of our friends to know about. I was at his beck and call when he felt frisky, but he had no time for me when I was lonely and needed him. More and more I saw I was his toy when it was convenient to him.
After our relationship ended, I missed the emails we had shared. I missed feeling sexy and desirable. I missed the excitement. But I was in a mess emotionally. I ended up “connecting” online with strangers – men who wanted to talk dirty with me – and they made clear they wanted to meet me and do things to me.
None of them had the way with words that Greg had. Their writing was not erotic or arousing. It was just filth. There was no way I was going to meet up with them. But for a while I was addicted to just communicating with someone, even though they were strangers, on an intimate level. I was not even enjoying their messages, I just craved closeness with someone. I mistook talking openly about sex for trust or intimacy. It was not at all satisfying. I was exposed to the most hideous dick-pics that still leave scars on my mind!
I dropped all of those strangers like hot potatoes when I met my own very hot and extremely exciting Simon. From the first night I met him, the sex was hot! Simon opened my eyes to an array of sex and kink I had no idea existed before….and he made it so sizzling hot.
Simon and I did not spend a lot of time writing to each other. We were too busy shagging to be writing. Simon is n artist and loves drawing nude models. I cannot draw for toffee! Simon and I were separated when he moved overseas and made it very clear to me he was going to have sex whenever the opportunity came along and he wanted me to do so likewise. I tried to be a brave girl, but inside I was distraught. I ended up doing something real silly. I responded to Greg’s emails (which had been sent by him regularly and ignored by me). I had a very brief tryst with him again, which was due to craving comfort. It was a mistake, and I felt disgusted with myself.
It’s one thing to be disgusted with your ex after a break-up, it is another to be disgusted with yourself. One of the worst of my bad habits is self-hatred when I feel excessive guilt. I find guilt very hard to process in a healthy way. Many people can make a mistake, feel sorry, learn the lesson and move on. I punish myself. Guilt is a low place that can push me over into bad habits. I’m not comfortable today with talking about the worst of my emotional bad habits – but self-punishment is not good. It’s a very bad, very harmful habit that I have had to fight.
In some ways, Ben rescued me. Ben already knew about some of my struggles from our conversations in the years of friendship that led up to our relationship becoming romantic. He gave me everything I had always needed – purpose, security, dignity, erotic excitement and fun! So much fun! He is the best thing that has ever happened to me on every level. He has brought balance and peace to my life and deep joy. The sex is great – lots of fun, lots of play, lots of exploring each other’s bodies in new ways. And yet….
…when Ben was away in the spring, I realized that Ben does not know where to begin with erotic writing. We could never get a decent phone signal. His emails were informative and included photos so I could see where he was and the work he was doing. But the erotic fizzle was not there. I started chatting online with Greg, which is probably why I ended up turning to liquor because I knew it was wrong. I chatted with Simon too, but his messages were respectful and kind. Greg’s were riddled with suggestive erotic remarks and insinuations that I was going to soon be in his bed again.
I told Ben how much I was hungering for erotic talk or messages. In the end, the solution we came up with turned out well. Ben would suggest a basic outline of a scene, one that I could embroider with explicit details. My writing turned him on and encouraged him to be more adventurous with the following outline he would send me.
Eventually the scenes became stories and then our first two novellas which we published on Amazon.
We also set up the RASPBERRY RIPPLES blog. Now I have a healthier outlet to enjoy my taste for erotic writing. The temptation to correspond with Greg has shrivelled up. Now I have an outlet for writing and I can read the work of the many talented writers who make foreplay and sex truly delicious and arousing.
Ben is trying to share this with me. He does not want it to undermine our relationship, neither do I. So he makes sure I stay balanced and keep it fun. Ben has helped me find a way I can enjoy erotic writing in a creative way. I am so glad I am his. He knows how to help me enjoy food, liquor, exercise and erotic writing in a balanced way that makes me feel good about myself