I don’t do Valentines. For lots of reasons. Commercial world telling me I have to tell the person I love that I love them on a specific day and show it through things…no way doll! I will tell my beloved how much I love him every day and I know that the way he enjoys me communicating my love is not by buying things he does not want.
However, there is one habit I do have around Valentines. I don’t like the idea of any of my friends feeling alone. So I make an effort to get in touch with as many friends as possible to make sure they know they are loved. That big effort to send texts and emails I could not do every single day – it takes ages, especially as the replies come in we start chatting.
I just don’t want anyone of my friends, especially anyone single, to feel low on a day when hearts and roses and romance are thrust up their noses. I want them to know that they are loved.
But here is another weird thing I do. I write out a very sentimental email to Simon. It is so silly, but I do it because I love him. He won’t really care. He has a little black book of contacts – women he can hook up with whenever he wants. I sent him a soppy email and tagged some songs that always make me think of him, cited some of my favourite memories of him and wished him happiness always. I still have had no reply. We do keep in touch but sometimes he is busy. Busy with work, hobbies, friends, family and I imagine someone from his little black book.
The thing is – I pour out my heart to Simon. I don’t do it just once a year. I do it whenever I think I am allowed – which tends to be holidays like Christmas, New Years, Valentines, his birthday. I don’t think he likes it. He likes for me to keep in touch. But he does not like sentimental declarations of love. He is a hedonistic polyamorous, free-spirited guy. I am not. My only rebellious streak is against commercialism, against materialism, against doing things by rote, against being squeezed into a world that doesn’t care about me, it just wants my money.
Every time I let myself pour out my feelings to Simon – and of course he is dumbfounded why I would feel that way about a guy who I know wants to pork any woman who responds to his sweet smile. Yet everything he did and said and was enchanted me. I was enchanted. He is part of me ever since the day I met him. I know it’s silly. This is the challenge for a monogamist who fell in love with a polygamist. But every moment I spent with him was utterly romantic – it was the knowledge he would be doing the same with other women that was hard.
Still….it does not matter. I do love Simon still. Not as much as I love Ben, but definitely enough to move me to send a message to him as often as I think I can get away with so that he is never ever in doubt – he is loved. Whether he deserves it or not, he is loved.
Simon was the first man in my life who loved me for me. Only….I was not enough. He did not want to let go of that little black book. Still the memories he left me with are precious to me.