I sensed that the bubble burst
And now I feel like the worst
My creativity is taking a break recently. Sometimes I want to write a poem, but nope, my brain is too sleepy. But I wanted to write about being a dream woman.
I am not sure why, but since I was around twenty years of age, I have felt the pressure of being a dream woman. Perhaps you are wondering, “What the hell is Jenna talking about?”
When I was with my first boyfriend, the first few years were happy enough. We were so young, we were also busy with our education and sports. We were often hanging out with friends or with family. I don’t remember perceiving him having unrealistic expectations of me back then. That changed when he began to become more ambitions. Gradually he began to change. He was being influenced by college tutors and by his associates. His perception of what I should be began to alter. There came a point when I realized I was not and was never going to be the woman he wanted besides him in life.
Years later, Greg sweettalked me into a very intimate relationship with him. Was I his dream woman? Physically, I clearly excited him. He treated me like the woman in his fantasies and perhaps he forgot that I was a real person, with emotions. Apparently his dream woman was only interested in serving his sexual desires. The only time he wanted to see me, was when he wanted those desires filled. I soon realized I did not want to be his dream woman.
Then there was Simon. Did Simon have a dream woman? If he does, she is immensely rich, very sexy and she does not talk too much. Simon was so important for me. He wanted me to be me. I think he knew I was not his dream woman, yet he was deeply fond of me – I know that. But why would he settle for someone who was not his dream woman? Why would he give up his freedom to sleep with whoever he wanted unless he met a woman with a huge fortune, a perfect body and very little to say? He still has not found that woman – if she exists at all!
Ben got to know me as a friend. He got to know all my highs and lows, he saw my laughter and my tears. Ben and I talked, ate, shopped, and walked around for hours so many times as platonic friends. What I was oblivious to was that he was carefully getting to know me and coming to the conclusion that I was his dream woman. The odd thing was that because I did not realize Ben was falling in love with me, I did not put a show on for him. It’s all too easy to pretend when you are trying to impress someone. You try so hard to be their perfect match, to be their perfect woman. With Ben, there was no pretending. But he still loved me. By the time we got together, Ben knew what he was in for!!! It’s quite astonishing to learn that you are the dream woman of a wonderful man.
But I have learnt something in life. We all have a different dream man or a dream woman. Sometimes there is a heart-breaking moment when the person who has been treating us like we are the Princess (or Prince) of their dreams, sees something they do not like and cannot reconcile with…and they drift, they distance themselves. Their disappointment is tangible.
Before Ben, the three other men in my life – I remember coming to the realization that after they thought I was possibly their dream woman – they learnt something about me that tarnished their view of me. With my first boyfriend, he did not like that I had a different set of values than he did. With Greg, he did not like that I had emotion – he just wanted a physical relationship. With Simon – I just was not enough for him to relinquish the freedom he values. If I had been in possession of a huge fortune and if I talked less, I think he would have snapped me up and thrown his little black book of smutty contacts into the garbage – well, at least into the back of his sock drawer. In all three cases, I was aware of not meeting their expectations, of disappointing. I saw it in their eyes. I saw them realize that I was not their dream woman. It hurt.
So far, I don’t seem to have disappointed Ben, which is amazing, for so many reasons. He knows me better than any other man has, and yet he still seems to love me. We don’t agree on absolutely everything. Plus, sometimes, sometimes there are challenges…in life…which bring out the worst in me. Yet he has never made me feel as if he is disappointed. Even when we have had hard situations that have tested us, he still seems to want to build a life with me, his dream woman.
I hate to disappoint people. I hated the sense I was disappointing the first three men I was in relationships with. It devastated me actually. I have sometimes detected a deep inner fear of letting Ben down. But even when I have been at my weakest, he has been incredibly supportive and kind.
Disappointing someone that you love is hard. That moment when you sense that their illusions are now shattered. That crunch time when they finally see that they were swept up in the moment, in the romance, in the excitement, and they failed to see the real you. I should be used to it by now, but learning that I am not someone’s dream woman – I don’t know – it’s like Cinderella turning up at the ball and Prince Charming saying, “Actually you are not my type.”
At that moment…what do you do? That’s what I have struggled with. I believe in working to strengthen relationships, resolving misunderstandings, reassuring your partner of your commitment to them. But when you detect that actually, he no longer sees you as his dream woman – do you just drift away and allow him to free himself? That’s where I struggle.
If I am not wanted, and that is a crushing feeling but, if I am not wanted, something makes me just want to curl up in a ball and stop trying, because it hurts. Realizing that you are a disappointment to someone, someone who you thought loved you – it sucks all the energy out of me and makes me think, maybe what they really mean, but are afraid to say to me is, “You are not perfect, therefore, I don’t want you anymore.”
The things is…I have never been perfect, and I never said I was. I failed to be a dream woman. But that does not make me a failure. It makes me honest. I have learnt that just because one man realizes I am not his dream woman, it doesn’t mean I am not someone else’s dream woman. It turns out that after three men were disappointed in me…Ben, who knows all my weaknesses, considers me his dream woman.