I wrote this piece ages ago, and left it in my drafts folder because at the time I intended to publish it, I was afraid it might be confusing to some readers as I was sharing a lot about Simon. This one is not about Simon though. Yes, he was a “mysterious stranger” who waltzed into my life and swept me off my feet. This was just some genuine thoughts mixed with a fantasy fiction post about me making a fool of myself – not for the first time!
Why am I feeling tearful after my fleeting flirtation with a mystery man? I make this mistake over and over of throwing myself into something new with all my energy and enthusiasm before recognising with shame that I have gone too far. But it’s when it’s another person, a human heart, it’s not funny, it’s not a game.
It was never supposed to be a game. Oh mystery man, I am anxious incase in my intensity (and my chilled out, fun-loving Ben is just the kind of man I need to balance myself) I may have inflicted wound on you. Ben warns me to tone things down, to restrain my excitement, he reminds me not to go too far.
My problem is an innate desire to understand the world. Not the world at large, but the world of eight billion hearts that beat. I hunger to find the connection with each person I come into contact with, to speak the same language of the heart, even if we don’t have the same tongue. At times I dive too deep. I know that.
Perhaps it’s because I know the depths my own heart sunk too and the effort it took me to climb up out of the more, clinging for my life to steep slippery walls, inching my way up precariously. I have come to stage in my life where I am convinced it is not just me. I almost want to hear another human tell me they have been through that. I relate more to people who have been through the darkness and know what it is to be lonely.
My confession is, although I love sex and foreplay, passion and poetry, I am more than a pair of stunning breasts, I am more than a curvaceous behind. I have this heart that has bled at times. That scarred and bruised heart of mine is the reason I can be intense.
I know it was supposed to be a fleeting flirtation, a quick fumble in the cloakroom, a secret tryst, a one-off affair…but I let my hunger to connect at a deeper level ruin it. It was supposed to be fun, refreshing but I became too intense and burnt you up before you’d had chance to unbutton your shirt.
You are at your leisure to forget me, eradicate my existence from your mind. Or instead, let me be nothing more than tits and pussy to you. Dismiss the awareness that there is a complex mind and heart driving me and steering my decisions. Ignore that I have a conscience that remembers with shame what it has done in the past, and can no longer play flirtatious games with mystery men, but needs to know how they came to cross paths with me. I confess, I am more interested in a man’s heart than his penis. Does that make me too intense? For some men, yes, it makes them want to run far away.
But for a man like Ben, he has become inflammable. He is ignited and warmed by my eagerness to fuse my mind and heart to his. He knows how to cool the flames within me when they are too scorching. We make the perfect blend of burning desire, passionate flames, intense hunger for life and love and purpose. We have merged and immerged as the perfect temperate, as a couple we are balanced. On my own, I was lost, my painful past left me a heap of smouldering embers. Ben revived me, and helped me light up the inner spark again. He also taught me to contain the powerful flames within so they don’t burn others.
I have become intricately dependent on him and without him would be a dangerous wildfire, hazardous to all life. We ought to do things as a couple, because on my own, I am too hot to handle.
Oh mystery man, I owe it to you to soothe any wounds I am responsible for. If I have scalded or seared you, please heal. Apply the balm of my fondness for you to those injuries. I embrace you for now, and will stay away until you have recovered. I only think of you with affection. Receive my sweetest kiss and know that I want only joy for you.
My words were not meant to cause pain. I forgot that my untempered intensity can instigate damage. Ben has already tried to cool and quench the flames that were growing out of control. I will be more careful, less intense, more chilled out from now on. That’s why I need to be with a man like Ben. Believe me mystery man, you have the power to entice and excite a beautiful woman. Your words and manner are adorable. But I can be hazardous if my passion and lust are allowed to burn uncontrolled.
So, where do we go now? I know that you are hooked on me. I can’t hide how that makes me feel. So tell me please – how is this supposed to work?