A “Me” I Find Hard To Imagine

It may surprise you to know that I look back most at the words of encouragement I have received about how special it is to become a parent. I read them over again frequently.

I don’t see how I could possibly be sexy after giving birth. I would have things like stretch marks to contend with, and cracked nipples! The carefree, spontaneous, girl who never grows up would have to grow up. I would have to be reliable, everyday.

There would be challenges even more challenging than trying to protect and nurture an infant. What about when they are old enough to start asking me a million questions – “What? Where? When? Which? Who? How? Why?” that I am not sure how to answer. What about their hormonal teenage years? What am I supposed to say to them then? Or when they are trying to knuckle down and take their education and career seriously and I think back to my own youth and remember walking out on jobs where I thought everyone was a crook.

Sometimes I feel that sense of the clock ticking steadily. Apparently if we are going to do it, we should do it soon. Only the desire still evades me. I will do it. I will do it for his sake. But it frightens the heebie-jeebies out of me.

So those words of encouragement mean so much. They really do. For some reason I have looked back and read them over and over again.

6 replies on “A “Me” I Find Hard To Imagine”

I never wanted children – from a young teenager I remember thinking kids just weren’t for me. It wasn’t until my late 30s I even considered myself ready. I gave birth to my first (and only) child just after my 40th birthday by emergency c-section. I have never considered myself “sexy” so it wasn’t a concern that I might lose that part of me. But I was terrified of childbirth (a big reason I never wanted kids), so kind of felt I’d dodged a bullet by having a c-section. But even though I’d fought so hard not to have kids, now that I have my son he is the absolute centre of my universe and I can’t imagine life without him. As for dealing with their questions, or having to be reliable 24/7, it really is different when the child is your own – he is a part of me, and that makes it so much easier than having to deal with, compared with a friend or relative’s child. You just have a link, a bond, an understanding, or at least that’s how it is for us. I don’t know how old you are, but please try not to feel pressured into something before you are ready. We literally started having unprotected sex for the first time on our honeymoon and were pregnant 3 weeks later – perhaps, at 39 years old, I was fortunate, but I would still rather have waited (and taken the risk that I might never get pregnant), than talk myself into trying to have a child when I simply wasn’t ready – like all these big life decisions, it has to be done for the right reasons. As always, I’m here if you need to chat x

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