ADVISORY NOTE: Content for ADULTS ONLY. Contains explicit references to sexual activity.
Greg repeatedly telling me he yearned for me to comfort him was having an effect on me. Greg had already provided me so much emotional comfort through his words, and making time for me. He was now indicating there were other ways I could be of comfort to him. But Greg had always been so gentle and caring, eventually it seemed so natural. It did all seem natural – that afternoon when he removed my dress after a couple of glasses of wine, and he unclipped my bra and stood back to admire my breasts. I was very nervous, but it all seemed that this should happen. I was surprised at what happened. Seeing Greg suckle at my breasts extendedly was something I was confused by, but it felt incredibly pleasant.
Over the course of our brief intimate relationship, we met numerous times for Greg to suckle at my breasts. My sexual desires were now awake, and I wanted to have intercourse. But it didn’t always go very well. I tried to pleasure Greg in other ways. His penis was so different from my first boyfriend’s (not that I should compare) and it took me a while to get used to it’s different appearance and to be enthusiastic about it. The main feature of our relationship was Greg sucking on my nipples for extended sessions. I enjoyed it. It was lovely. Greg seemed thrilled with it.
I genuinely found comfort in our relationship at first. Greg seemed happy with me. He bought me lingerie, and naughty outfits. He enjoyed massaging my breasts and nipples – telling me he wanted me to look after them for him. He shared his love of classic erotic images with me, and asked me to pose for him in stockings and suspenders and bras. He liked to remove my bra and have me pose provocatively while he took one of my nipples into his mouth. He sometimes grabbed his shaft to jerk it while he did so, and sometimes asked me to play with his penis with my hands while he was suckling.
The challenge for me was the nature of our relationship. From the first afternoon he saw me naked, Greg told me not to tell another soul we were intimate, especially not my parents. From that day, he never took me out for a drink, to a restaurant for dinner or to any social events. We only met in private. There was also a dramatic reduction in our communications. He never answered my calls, he would send the odd text, and would call me late at night. He hardly ever replied to my emails, except to ask when we could meet.
When we did meet, he told me how much he had been craving me. He would always want to start with kissing and suckling from my breasts and asked if we could talk later. When I wanted to talk to him about something, he would react with, “Look at the time! I have a meeting in less than an hour. Sorry Jenna – maybe we can talk next time I see you.”
The comfort aspect of our relationship had always been essential. It all started when Greg started to supply comforting friendship to me. I came to believe I could be a source of comfort to him after his messy divorce. I perceived his interest in my breasts as something which was supplying comfort. I found it comforting that he wanted me so much, that I could be such a source of pleasure to him. Yet, the comfort began to dry up. I began to see that what we now had was a dirty secret that Greg did not want any of his associates to know about. I was his doll, he would extract whatever pleasure he wanted from me, and then did not care that my emotional health was disintegrating.
He went away for two weeks to Thailand on vacation, and did not respond to any of my calls or emails. He came back, came over to my place, sucked my nipples until they ached, and then when I began to cry, he told me he had to go because he was playing tennis with some friends. He walked out when I was sobbing. He often ignored my emails completely, and would randomly send a short one telling me he was very busy with work. He did not have time to talk on the phone either. But he still expected me to be at his beck and call when it was convenient for him. I craved his comfort. I would rush over, and he would do what he always did, suckle from my breasts and jerk off his penis.
I remember one night when I was in agony – I had visited a railway station platform multiple times with the darkest episodes I had ever experienced and Greg had not answered my calls or emails for a week. In the end, I was so scared of the thoughts going through my mind, I decided I needed to go back to the US before I carried out my dark ideas. I left a voicemail telling him I had decided to leave London. He called me immediately and told me he needed to see me. He came over, and again I fell for his words. He told me he needed me and could not bear for me to leave London. He suckled from my breasts and I knew at that point I had to get away from him.
Not knowing how I could say what I needed to Greg without falling for his persuasive words, I took to writing it down. Ultimately what I wrote to him was that I had turned to him for comfort, and he had provided me with it. I told him how grateful I was for his friendship. I wrote candidly that at first it had meant a lot to me to be a source of comfort to him. Yet I explained that in recent weeks, I was no longer finding any comfort in anything, that I my emotional health was becoming more despairing, and that I needed real help so that I was not a danger to myself.
Perhaps Greg had not understood the state of my emotional health. His first answer confirmed that I was making the right decision to return to the US. He said he could not provide the kind of specialist help I needed and that only a professional could do that. He told me he was heartbroken that I was walking away from our special relationship which meant so much to him and withdrawing the comfort that he needed. I still look back at his words, and I feel that as much as I may have blamed him for the crumbling of our relationship, he seemed to blame me.
It’s hard to drawer comfort from someone who has hurt you, who you feel has used you and then walked away when they were bored. I think initially, both Greg and I harboured some bitterness towards each other. But he softened. I think that was mainly on account of him asking me to maintain the secrecy about our intimacy. I found some of his words were still patronising for some time, but eventually he seemed to express regret that he had been so busy and had not made time for me.
I learnt a lot from that time in my life, although I did not appreciate those lessons immediately. Comfort is a wonderful gift that can make a relationship especially meaningful. It is like a warm snuggly blanket when you are cold. It fills a need, it provides something that makes a person feel so much better. Making one person our source of comfort can make us emotionally dependent and if they let us down (which is likely) there can be a lot of distress.
As I look back….I do have regrets. Honestly, I regret that at a turbulent time in my life, when I was lonely and emotionally isolated, I allowed myself to become dependent on one person. Perhaps I became a burden to Greg. Yet at the same time, I still feel that for a man twice my age, to recognize I was lonely and to allow me to grow in trust for him…and then to find it only convenient to engage in a particular kind of sexual activity that he enjoyed and find it inconvenient to listen to the challenges I was dealing with – that still causes me some distress.
Greg and I still have infrequent contact, and he still refers to the aspect of our relationship he seemed to enjoy most. I look back and although I am glad I had a friend when I first arrived in London, I regret than in my youthful inexperience I ended up in a sexual relationship that made me feel worse about myself as a person before I had embarked on it. The need for comfort when you are vulnerable can cause you to lose your senses. All of the comfort Greg had offered me evaporated as I began to feel extreme self-disgust and mistrust of men. The damage took a long time to heal. It took me a long time before I could trust again, before I could allow myself to enjoy comfort within a sexual relationship.
Yet today I can tell you, comfort is a rewarding aspect of the relationship Ben and I share – and it is something I love that we share.