I Can’t Give Him Up

Simon – I can’t give Simon up.

It is three years since I last saw him, yet Simon and I are still close. Simon was in many ways very good for me. Yes…yes…I have mentioned that I was hurt because he sees no need to limit sexual interests to one person. But besides that, I felt loved by him in every way.

Simon came along at just the right time – a time when I was starting to feel it would be impossible to ever find love, to ever feel truly happy. He was older than me – not as old as Greg – but I soon realized he understood a lot about emotions and life and having ups and downs. He wanted to share things that make life beautiful with me. He wanted to share all sorts of pleasures in the bedroom, but he also wanted to take me places, eat exciting cuisines with me, go to classes and events with me, listen to music, watch movies, laugh at comedy, gaze at nature and go shopping with me.

I should not compare him with Greg – but as soon as I realized Simon was happy to enjoy life outside of the bedroom with me (whereas Greg only wanted me inside the bedroom for the rest of the time to be his dirty little secret) I felt better about myself as a person. Simon helped me to enjoy life again. I had been overcome by dark thoughts for some time before I met Simon – now they seemed to fade away.

He revealed to me some very deep thoughts and feelings within him, he shared his beliefs, his spirituality with me. He shared his love of beauty and art with me. He showed appreciation for everything I did, he made sure I knew he thought I was beautiful and that he wanted to spend time with me. He made me feel lovable, despite the I the fact I had felt unworthy of existence for some time.

His wanting to have sex with other women (he did not tell me how many, so I have no idea whether it was the whole hockey squad or just the goalkeeper he was shagging! – I mean that metaphorically) was hard for me to understand, but I loved him immensely. I would have been loyal to him despite the pain – I know I would have – but he spared me that humiliation by moving.

When he moved away – I thought he was gone forever, I really did. But it turned out that was not going to be the case. Simon maintained contact with me. He also made it very clear he did not want me to have any expectations off him abandoning his bachelor ways.

Then…surprisingly to me…Ben made his move now that he realized I was “single”. I was amazed actually…but by this point Ben was one of my best friends. I was happy that Ben cared for me so much…and today I am deeply happy that I said “yes” to Ben. Yet…I was honest and open with Ben. I felt I owed so much to Simon…who had almost glued me back together after I had had a great call and shattered into a million painful jagged pieces. Simon was wonderful.

Ben knows I want to keep my friendship with Simon for as long as I am. I cannot give him up after the way he loved me at a time I thought I was completely unlovable.So we text and email and occasionally call each other. Ben knows how grateful I am to Simon and he respects the friendship I have with him. It really is as simple as that! I cannot give Simon up.

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