Well, perhaps that it is a little silly of me to start this post with a question like that. The truth is, I have no idea about your sex life. I actually was intending to write about my own sex life. Why am I doing this right now, in the middle of my meecrowahvey treatment? (That’s what we have decided to call it – it works better for me than radiotherapy. “Mee-cro-wahvey” of course being the way Nigella Lawson pronounces “microwave”.) That’s a great question. The simple reply is that I have not been able to enjoy the kind of bedroom romps Ben and I used to – because of the pain I am in.
However, does that mean that we are turning into two prudes? Does it mean that the fizz has gone out of the champagne? Does it mean that the I cannot satisfy my man? Does it mean that Ben cannot touch me because I am too fragile? Nope, none of the above!!
This challenge, although stressful, seems to be bringing us even closer together. So the affection, the desire for each other, the passion is as stronger than ever. Desire leads to action. Despite the spells I have felt overwhelmed by all of this, frightened, generally pathetic, and sometimes gloomy, I am also feeling very loved. Ben clearly worried about me, and he tells me every single day how much I mean to him. Those words stir even more desire.
One thing that Ben has told me is that he freaks out when he thinks he is causing me the kind of pain that is distressing. So we had to talk openly about how we could make things work better for us. I am on some painkillers that make me very sleepy. To be honest I am sleepy a lot of the time. Plus, sometimes I have a breakout of random pain, and when that happens I have some other painkillers which act more quickly, but again, they make me super super sleepy. So when I am sleepy, our time together is very sweet – mainly cuddles, caresses, stroking each other. It feels real nice. Ben is so warm and delicious.
But I know he needs more than that, and I want more than that too. So, it has been more of a case of little and often. When I am on my feet, I like to slink up to Ben when he is in the kitchen and after wrapping my arms around him, I have often started to unbuckle his belt so I can make sure he knows how much I have missed him that day.
In recent months I have had a number of falls, including twice in the shower, and once getting out of the bath. Ben likes me to wait until he is home to shower now, and frequently we are showering together – which is always fun.
We have tried to make the most of it times when I am feeling better – awake, a little more energy, less pain during the course of the day – those are times we want to make the most of. From experience we have learnt that it is a good idea to make sure I am in a comfortable position. Ben cannot be throwing me around the bed these days. Pillows and the throw help me to find a position which means my back is going to stay happy.
From there we have had sex….lots of kissing, touching, teasing, licking, sucking and glorious intercourse. Although I am usually staying in the position that is working for me, rather than being as frisky and acrobatic as I used to be. But what is going on with regards to the physical sensations is still sensational – well, it is for me, I am hoping it is for Ben.
So….illness has just come along, out of the blue, knocked me for six. I have been through a range of pain and humiliation that I was not reckoning on. Apparently it started with a relatively small lump, and they hoped it would stay small. But it grew. My body has been effected in all sorts of unglamorous ways! But amazingly, Ben still has not lost his desire for me.
There are times when I know and Ben knows that we will have to postpone any desires we may have because I am just too ill. I have had a lot of pain, and also nausea, plus some unpleasant situations where I cannot keep the food I had earlier inside of me. Those are nights I just need to rest, but I am so comforted by the way Ben cuddles me and makes me feel like a prize he is proud of.
Despite the difficulties…in many ways, sex has never been better. There is so much love, so much giving, so much desire, so much affection, so much gratitude. I am looking forward to recovering my mobility and being nimble again, but until then, I can still have a sizzling hot and deeply meaningful sex life.