I always find my spirits sinking when fall comes along. But usually there are ways to raise my mood. Shopping!!! I often find it hard to resist new scarves and gloves and hats and a new coat. Every year, fall is a time for walking in the woods, kicking up dried up leaves underfoot and admiring the changing colours in the foliage above. Spiced pumpkin lattes in coffee houses with friends, trips to English stately houses to learn more about their history and weekends away to cosy cottages.
This year is different. I am not shopping, but rather, giving away things I won’t be taking over to Chicago with me. I still cannot enjoy walking, and I am watching the colours in our garden, while tucked up inside, resting after a session of meecrowahvey.
I have to admit, along with the tumbling decrepit leaves, my mood has taken a tumble. Ben has been especially wonderful this past week because I have been swallowed up with a sort of sadness, a mourning even for the many months I have lost to this really naughty lump which has spoiled my enjoyment of life.
Something else that has been emotional….and up to now I have tried to shut it out of my mind….is the effects on having radiotherapy targeted at my lower back. Spending so much time on my own, I have found my thoughts clouding up.
The symptoms and side-effects (this past week, I was not sure which was which!) have made me feel rather unglamorous, rather unsexy!
Last week, I was so low one afternoon, I decided just to climb into bed and wish myself asleep. I woke up with a sudden jolt. My throat was so dry, so I rose and slowly made my way downstairs. I was filling up a glass with water, when I felt a hand touch the side of my leg. I nearly jumped out of my skin! Ben had been so quiet as he slinked up to me. He mumbled into my ear, “Hello Sexy, how was your day?”
He was probably not expecting my reaction. I turned to him and became a blubbering wreck, reporting to him that I felt awful and could not face going to any more meecrowahvey treatments. I told him I was too tired to carry on with my treatment, and I just wanted to give up. Ben did such a great job of calming me down and reassuring me.
He did more. He rang his boss and explained he was going to take me for my treatment the next day (and he also called our friend who had volunteered to take me and expressed his appreciation, but told her he was going to be able to do it himself. Then after some food together and a good night’s sleep, the following day, Ben took me for a drive along a “scenic route” before my treatment. Afterwards, he drove in the opposite direction to our home. He drove us to a country hotel we stayed at a couple of years ago, and we had some lunch there. It was a lovely autumnal afternoon.
I am less than halfway through my treatment, so I need to be aware of my emotional strength not fading as quickly as the foliage. Part of me wants to curl up and close my eyes and wake up in springtime, all my troubles behind me.
Thank goodness I am not on my own with this. Ben especially is right there for me, trying to make me feel sexy, and helping me endure a gloomy challenge. He is helping me conquer the blues, and to enjoy the golds, crimsons, and plums of autumn.