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Autumnal Fall Into The Blues

I always find my spirits sinking when fall comes along. But usually there are ways to raise my mood. Shopping!!! I often find it hard to resist new scarves and gloves and hats and a new coat. Every year, fall is a time for walking in the woods, kicking up dried up leaves underfoot and admiring the changing colours in the foliage above. Spiced pumpkin lattes in coffee houses with friends, trips to English stately houses to learn more about their history and weekends away to cosy cottages.

This year is different. I am not shopping, but rather, giving away things I won’t be taking over to Chicago with me. I still cannot enjoy walking, and I am watching the colours in our garden, while tucked up inside, resting after a session of meecrowahvey.

I have to admit, along with the tumbling decrepit leaves, my mood has taken a tumble. Ben has been especially wonderful this past week because I have been swallowed up with a sort of sadness, a mourning even for the many months I have lost to this really naughty lump which has spoiled my enjoyment of life.

Something else that has been emotional….and up to now I have tried to shut it out of my mind….is the effects on having radiotherapy targeted at my lower back. Spending so much time on my own, I have found my thoughts clouding up.

The symptoms and side-effects (this past week, I was not sure which was which!) have made me feel rather unglamorous, rather unsexy!

Last week, I was so low one afternoon, I decided just to climb into bed and wish myself asleep. I woke up with a sudden jolt. My throat was so dry, so I rose and slowly made my way downstairs. I was filling up a glass with water, when I felt a hand touch the side of my leg. I nearly jumped out of my skin! Ben had been so quiet as he slinked up to me. He mumbled into my ear, “Hello Sexy, how was your day?”

He was probably not expecting my reaction. I turned to him and became a blubbering wreck, reporting to him that I felt awful and could not face going to any more meecrowahvey treatments. I told him I was too tired to carry on with my treatment, and I just wanted to give up. Ben did such a great job of calming me down and reassuring me.

He did more. He rang his boss and explained he was going to take me for my treatment the next day (and he also called our friend who had volunteered to take me and expressed his appreciation, but told her he was going to be able to do it himself. Then after some food together and a good night’s sleep, the following day, Ben took me for a drive along a “scenic route” before my treatment. Afterwards, he drove in the opposite direction to our home. He drove us to a country hotel we stayed at a couple of years ago, and we had some lunch there. It was a lovely autumnal afternoon.

I am less than halfway through my treatment, so I need to be aware of my emotional strength not fading as quickly as the foliage. Part of me wants to curl up and close my eyes and wake up in springtime, all my troubles behind me.

Thank goodness I am not on my own with this. Ben especially is right there for me, trying to make me feel sexy, and helping me endure a gloomy challenge. He is helping me conquer the blues, and to enjoy the golds, crimsons, and plums of autumn.

15 replies on “Autumnal Fall Into The Blues”

Oh Jenna, I feel for you. It’s such a hard time you are going through, and I can imagine it’s hard for Ben too. My husband is in and out of hospital too, and currently we are awaiting the results of a scan, and expecting the worst. Life is just hard at this moment, but we need to keep our eyes focused on the light. With Ben there to support you, and all the love coming your way, I hope you can keep strong, keep going, even on those days you feel you can’t. Sending lots of love and hugs and positive thoughts your way.
~ Marie xox

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Thank you Marie ❤

It is not fun at all. I am glad to have people around me that make the exhausting fight worthwhile. I am sure you and your husband know how scary it can all be at times.
My emotions have been up and down. And it is sometimes silly things that make me sad and also silly things that make me happy. I have had episodes of insane nausea for weeks, but have suddenly discovered the joy of mashed potatoes and custard which seem to be so much kinder to my insides than a lot of other food.

I have lots of different friends helping to get me to radiotherapy, which is nice, but every day I face a barrage of questions about how I am doing. Ben finishes work on Friday, so I will be glad that he will be taking me all of next week.

I wish you and your dear husband so much love and strength to deal with this very challenging time. I really appreciate your message Marie…xx

❤ ❤ ❤

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I know about the questions… it’s exhausting, right, even though you know they mean well. Some tend to ask me the questions, not my husband, even when he’s standing right next to me.

I wish you love and strength too, Jenna! xox

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I am really hoping good times are just around the corner for you and Ben – what a difficult time you are having – someone as lovely as you deserves wonderful carefree moments and I am sure that will be on the menu very soon. You’re an inspiring, wise individual Jenna, and I am so glad to have come to know you a little via your blog.
xx

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I do the same. I love the styles of fall, and I love to find new sweaters and boots and cozy lounge wear, but the darkness just brings me down. After the color falls from the trees, everything is so drab. And I always seem to fall into the seasonal affective disorder trap. You, my dear, have all those added complications, too. And such a supportive partner! 💕 Good luck with all that. I’ve been out of the loop, so I’ll have to catch up on what has happened.

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